Calling All Opinions!

21 CommentsWriting, , , , , , ,

I’ve got questions, and I’m hoping you’ll help me out with the answers!  My ‘official’ pitch is due for the Luck ‘o the Irish pitchfest over at Writeoncon by the end of the week, so let’s do this!

First the questions:

  • Does ‘NinChicks’ sound like it will be a book about girls, or female chickens?
  • Do you have some sense for what the word ‘Sensei’ means?
  • And do you think my final line of the revised pitch should be a joke, or punchline?

Okay, now for the pitches.  This is my last chance to tinker before the contest, so take aim and sling a rotten tomato at anything you don’t like!

Updated, latest and greatest pitch:

For hundreds of years humans have agonized over the great question of life: Why did the chicken cross the road?  The answer has remained an aggravating puzzle–until now.  Trained in the heritage of the ancient ninjas, chickens participate in a Crossing the Road ceremony upon becoming a NinChick.  The training is grueling, the missions dangerous, but our hero, Jackson, is sure he is up for the task.  Until Sensei, Master of the NinChicks, turns him down cold.

Then Jackson accidentally springs a trap and catches himself, instead of the predators.  Dangling six feet above the ground, he is forced to watch as his best friend is captured by Brutus the Coyote.  He won’t get his friend back without taking on Brutus, and that will mean defeating the coyote’s devious plan to wipe out the chicken society.  For that he’ll have to uncover the truth about his father’s disgrace, learn how to pop an egg grenade, and maybe even drop a weasel with a well-timed chicken joke.  But in the end, all his heroics will be for nothing unless he can learn what it takes to be a true NinChick.

Original pitch:

For hundreds of years humans have agonized over the great question of life: Why did the chicken cross the road?  The answer has remained an aggravating puzzle–until now.  Descended from the ancient ninjas of Japan and trained in all the arts of war, chickens participate in a Crossing the Road ceremony upon becoming a NinChick.  The training is grueling, the missions dangerous, but our hero, Jackson, is sure he is up for the task.

Until they turn him down cold.  His failure sets him on a path of daring in which he must risk his life and reputation to foil a big bad coyote’s plans to destroy the warrior chickens, and rescue a captive NinChick who holds the key to Jackson’s past.  In short, he must defy the odds and become what he was meant to be–a NinChick.

Don’t worry about the lack of bio, genre, word count, etc.  This is just the pitch portion of the query and I’m not supposed to include that info here.  Just tell me what you think.  Would you read this book?  And what about it would make you want to?

Share, share away:
error
fb-share-icon
Tweet

21 Comments

  1. Aimee Walker

    Reply

    HAHAhaha…I just died. That sounds like such a cool book–I had no trouble understanding any of it. I have mine up, too, but haven’t heard a peep from anyone in a couple weeks. It’s Bunker 5…I’m not changing it anymore, I’m over it for the time being, just hope it doesn’t blow chunks.

  2. Suzanne Warr

    Reply

    Thank you! Sooo glad it made you laugh, as it’s kinda gotta do that!

    Remind me, is yours YA or MG? I’d be happy to go take a look!

  5. Aimee Walker

    Reply

    You, too! I think it’s ten times easier to write a good novel than it is to land an agent (and it takes a while to be able to write a good novel…lol). *head-desk*

  7. Amy Peterson

    Reply

    I like it! But I thought the book was about girl chickens becoming ninjas, so I am confused about the hero being a boy. I do have a sense of the word “sensei” (ha ha!)I don’t think you need a joke at the end, but what do I know. Good luck!

  8. Suzanne

    Reply

    Sounds like my biggest hang up is the title, then. Hmm. Well, I will just have to do some brainstorming!

    Glad the rest was clear, and you liked it! Thanks so much for taking a look! It is sooo helpful to get feedback from different sources!

  9. Erin Newton

    Reply

    I would read this book. I like portions of both of these. I feel like the first is too long and gives too much information. After the first paragraph of the first one gets me excited. Then I like the second half of the second intro.

    For hundreds of years humans have agonized over the great question of life: Why did the chicken cross the road? The answer has remained an aggravating puzzle–until now. Trained in the heritage of the ancient ninjas, chickens participate in a Crossing the Road ceremony upon becoming a NinChick. The training is grueling, the missions dangerous, but our hero, Jackson, is sure he is up for the task. Until Sensei, Master of the NinChicks, turns him down cold.

    His failure sets him on a path of daring in which he must risk his life and reputation to foil a big bad coyote’s plans to destroy the warrior chickens, and rescue a captive NinChick who holds the key to Jackson’s past. In short, he must defy the odds and become what he was meant to be–a NinChick.

    I hope that doesn’t irritate you. I would read this book based on this description.

    As far as if it sounds like it is about girls based on the title. Because you told me about it before I think it sounds like it is about ninja chickens. If I heard it cold I think I would eventually come to that conclusion.

    Yes, I do have know what a sensei is.

    Good luck!

  12. Suzanne Warr

    Reply

    Thank you! And of course I don’t mind–I’m delighted to hear what you think! Also laughing, of course, since I’ve spent hours trying to improve the second paragragh…but that’s how it goes in the writing world! It’s difficult to tell what’s better and what’s simply different, if that makes sense?

  13. Aimee Walker

    Reply

    I think it’s possible to get TOO hung up on all the critiques coming from different angles because you can’t please everyone. There’s no such thing as a universally adored query. Change what you absolutely agree with–bunk the rest. Remember that before you nitpick yourself to death. (A nitpick death is sloooooow)

  14. Aimee Walker

    Reply

    Oh, and beware the envy and/or newbie crit…the first has obvious motivation, the second is because some of them they think they HAVE to find something wrong (for various reasons), if that makes sense. Those can be the deadliest of all.

  15. Erica

    Reply

    I’LL PASTE IN MY INITIAL REVISION TO YOUR REVISED QUERY, BUT TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, I WOULD TAKE THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OF THE REVISED ONE, AND THE SECOND PARAGRAPH OF THE ORIGINAL. IT ANSWERS ALL THE Q’S I HAD READING THE TOP ONE. IT’S STRONG AND TO THE POINT, AND FORETELLS A GREAT STORY/EMOTIONAL ARC.

    I JUST LOVE THIS STORY! GOOD LUCK, MATEY!!!!

    For hundreds of yearsCOMMA humans have agonized over the great question of life: Why did the chicken cross the road?  The answer has remained an aggravating puzzle–(MAYBE THREE DOTS INSTEAD OF A DASH?)until now.  Trained in the heritage of the ancient ninjas, chickens participate in a Crossing the Road ceremony upon becoming a NinChick.  The training is grueling, the missions dangerous, but our hero, Jackson, is sure he isHE’S up for the task.  Until Sensei, Master of the NinChicks, turns him down coldFLAT?. AWESOME FIRST PARA.
    BENT ON REVENGE… OR BENT ON PROVING HIMSELF WORTHY… OR SOMETHING THAT CONNECTS HIS WASH OF FAILURE/EMOTIONS WITH THESE PREDATORS YOU MENTION… NEED A REASON HE FINDS THEM AT ALL/IS AFTER THEM, AND ALSO NEED TO KNOW WHO THE PREDATORS ARE. [Then] Jackson accidentally springs a trap and catches himself[,] instead of the predators.  Dangling six feet above the ground, he is forced to watch as his best friend is captured by Brutus the Coyote, WHO, HE DISCOVERS, HIDES A DEVIOUS PLAN TO WIPE OUT CHICKEN SOCIETY. [He won’t get his friend back without taking on Brutus, and that will mean defeating the coyote’s devious plan to wipe out the chicken society.  For that] TO DEFEAT BRUTUS AND RESCUE HIS FRIEND, [he’ll]JACKSON WILL have to uncover the truth about his father’s disgrace, learn how to pop an egg grenade, and maybe even drop a weasel with a well-timed chicken joke.  But in the end, all his heroics will be for nothing unless he can learn what it takes to be a true NinChick. GREAT END. BUT YOUR ORIGINAL SECOND PARA WAS STILL BETTER :).

  16. Erica

    Reply

    I just realized all those caps look like I’m yelling. I’m not :). Just the way I differentiated our texts.

  18. Suzanne Warr

    Reply

    Course it is, it came from Erica! 😉

    So, that’s two now who prefer the second paragraph of the original, right? Do you think I should keep/add something in that one about his friend being taken? People elsewhere wanted more about his relationships and the people who matter to him.

    And, Erica, I know you’re not yelling! That’s just how we were both trained, and our training stuck. Thanks for the awesome critique!!! 😀

  19. Erica

    Reply

    Thanks, happy to help :). I’m glad you mentioned the relationship thing, it crossed my mind but I loved the flow of your second paragraph enough I decided to let it go. I think you actually could add it in there, but only if you manage to keep it all exactly as tight and flowing as you have it… hmm, maybe just add in “rescue his best friend”, like:

    His failure sets him on a path of daring in which he must risk his life and reputation to RESCUE HIS BEST FRIEND, foil a big bad coyote’s plans to destroy the warrior chickens, and [rescue a captive]FIND A LOST/CAPTIVE/WHATEVER NinChick who holds the key to Jackson’s past.

    Anyways, you get the idea. Adding in a smidge won’t destroy your flow, and it’ll follow the lovely three-some rule, too. Love it, Z!

  20. Taina P.

    Reply

    Sounds like a fun book. “NinChicks” does kind of sound like it’s about a girly club rather than ninja chickens. Any alternative titles? I think most people do know what “Sensei” means.

    I like the first half of the new pitch and the second half of the original pitch. “Descended from the ancient ninjas of Japan” made me think the story was set in Japan, and then I was startled to see that the hero’s name was “Jackson.” So “trained in the heritage of the ancient ninjas” is better. But the second paragraph of the new pitch gives away too much and sounds a bit mechanical. It could be a little more punchy. Because I’m an inveterate editor, here’s my take:

    “It is one of the great unresolved mysteries of existence: Why did the chicken cross the road? For Jackson, a cocky young Barred Rock rooster, ritually Crossing the Road would culminate his dream to become a NinChick–one of the legendary band of galline warriors trained in the art of the ancient ninjas. The training is grueling, the missions dangerous, but Jackson is sure he has what it takes.

    Until Sensei, the NinChick master, turns him down cold. Jackson’s failure sets him on a path of daring in which he must risk his life and reputation, uncover the truth about his family’s past, and maybe even drop a weasel with a well-timed chicken joke. A nefarious coyote is plotting to destroy the warrior fowl, and it falls to our hero to take on this foul menace. In doing so, he must become what he was hatched to be–a true NinChick.”

Leave Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *