Like any item of great import, the alarm clock has a few rules for proper handling, the code by which this wondrous and terrible tool can be used.
First in importance, place the alarm clock on a stand at least four feet from the bed. This crucial space will prevent the tool from being abused by repeated use of the snooze button. If neccessary, place a cool stone or tile on the floor to aid the sleeper in waking up.
Second, never, under any circumstances, set the alarm early. You may think that giving yourself five minutes extra to get yourself ready is a smart plan, but in reality you are robbing yourself of the crucial ten minutes preparation time that will assure you of catching that bus or arriving calm and collected. Remember–any ‘extra time’ will be spent snoozing and will grow to three times the allotted minutes.
Make sure your alarm clock is obnoxiously loud. The easiest way to be sure of this is to carry it around the store prior to purchase, setting it off. If your fellow customers not only stop what their doing, but drop the items in thier hands and leap to hide beneath tables and chairs, you have the right alarm clock.
Of course, the final step which must be taken is also the most difficult. You must set the alarm clock to the proper time, and in so doing correctly decode the a.m. vs. p.m. symbols on the alarm’s face. This is best undertaken after several minutes calming meditation. You would also be wise to shut and lock all doors and turn off all phones to prevent interruption while this vital step is taken.
It is also helpful to remember the final use of an alarm clock–an excuse for why you were late. Only remember that this excuse is best carried off in the mornings and after cultivating a disheveled and confused look. You would be wise to keep track of persons or parties who have been given this excuse, as it loses its effectiveness with repetition.
