I started my college math class today, and learned something, too:  There is a great math conspiracy bent on making the rest of us look like snivelling fools.

Math really isn’t that complicated, so long as you stay in the reasonable levels of practical application.  Even beyond that I’ve heard it’s not so bad, and hey–how bad can imaginary numbers be to someone who lives by their imagination?

So the conspiracy can’t be rooted in something clean, like the superior intellect of all mathematicians.  Nor can it be based entirely on clever codes and convoluted rules.  No, oh no.  Mathematically-minded college professors, who pretend to teach math, have sunk much lower than that.

This simple instruction plan has fallen into my hands.  It has been carefully outlined and distributed by the conspiracy heads, but I’m publishing it here so reluctant math students like myself can know our enemy.  Good luck to all of you.  I hope this helps.

 

To the Mathematics teacher or professor:

In order to keep technical and mathematical jobs at a high level of compensation and mathematicians secure in their feelings of superiority we’ve found it necessary to discourage and turn away as many aspiring math students as possible.  We dare not refuse out-right to teach them, but we can make the experience as confusing and miserable as possible.  Do your part by following the outline below. 

Look through the assignment you’ll be giving the class.  Find a problem which is never given again, and which has the least relevance to the work the student will do at home.  Now turn your back on the students and write the problem quickly, while mumbling and making sure your body blocks anything that might be helpful.  Congratulations, you’ve defeated half the class. 

But the rest are grimly hanging in there, so you’ll have to pull our best trick, called the ‘deadly duo.’  Tell the class you will demonstrate how the problem is solved.  Keep your hand poised while you say this, to better get off to a racing start before they’re ready to take notes.  Now, go!  Rip through the problem, skipping any steps you can and using jargon every chance you get.  Whenever possible, include a ‘shortcut’ that the students will, hopefully, drop out of class before they learn.

When you’re finished, block their view of the problem with your body and ask for questions.  Make sure you only wait 2.9 seconds (we’ve found this to be just long enough they can think of a question, not long enough to ask it), then whip back around and erase the whole thing.  Be sure to start at the bottom, just in case any determined students are still trying to copy it down.  

Keep this up through the entire term and you’ll soon have every student convinced that math is only for the brilliant people, and that s/he misses that category by a mile.

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